You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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