My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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