Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
we're so committed to being not committed
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
