I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
