My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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