Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
