i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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