Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
