Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize