The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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