Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
