Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
