If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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