last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Vodka?
Forever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
