Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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