Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm getting married
To pizza
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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