just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
