Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
