Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize