so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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