They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
