I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
