if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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