Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
