thus making me awesome and them whores
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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