Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
