I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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