Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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