i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
