the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
