I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
