some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
