I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
