Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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