I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
