we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
