Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
