I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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