You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
