I wannas sexs uuuuu
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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