She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
