The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
