yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
