Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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