Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
