So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize