i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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