i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
