so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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