I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
