You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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