I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
