You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
