Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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