if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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