You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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