I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
