david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
