I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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